Lost Keys...

We have all lost something at least once.  Isn’t it the most frustrating thing?  Losing house keys or car keys can throw your whole day off.   We scurry around frantically trying to find them.  We start retracing our last steps, replaying our movement around the house in our heads.  If anyone is like me, I will start to yell out, “Who moved my keys!”  I can never take the blame for losing them since I know for a fact I left the keys right there on the table.  Therefore, someone must have moved them.   It wasn’t my fault that they were lost.   But, what about those days when you are home alone missing the keys, you are sitting there talking to yourself and no one is talking back.  Who can you blame then?

My mother had partials.  She loved to eat, and would often complain about having to eat with them.  She didn’t like it and she would wrap her partials up in a napkin and enjoy her meal.  Far too often, that wrapped up napkin would become “trash” and make its way to the trash can.  I can remember so vividly how she would have to put on gloves to search through the trash to find that coveted set of dentures.  It was madness.  The entire house would be on eggshells until they were found.   

Just yesterday I found myself rummaging through the trash looking for a receipt.  I needed it to submit an expense report for work.  I held the trash from being taken out for a day while I meticulously reviewed every piece of paper in that bag.   

I began to realize how focused I was on trying to find a small $15 receipt for an expense I could just write off at the end of the year.  The attention and time and effort we put in looking for keys and other lost things,  the question of the day became—“Why do we not seek God in sense of urgency?”   Why do we give him part of our attention?   When we lose our keys everything stops!  We aren’t distracted by the television, the kids, or the radio.   In fact, everyone in the house stops what they are doing to help find the keys.   Our whole existence becomes a quest to find keys that in the grand scheme of things can be replaced.  Yes, it may take some maneuvering and adjustments of schedules, and we may have to spend some money to get a replacement but because we don’t want to be inconvenienced or spend money that we probably don’t have we will look and pray we find them.  We don’t stop until we do.  And, what happens when we find them—a sense of relief!  It is a sense of accomplishment.  We actually feel good that we didn’t stop until we found it.  

Jesus wants us to do the same with him.   If we seek him first, we can have all the things that we want, all the things we need, all the desires of our heart shall be ours according to HIS will.   We need to seek him with urgent expectation.  We need to seek him in all that we do.  When we seek him, he reveals himself to us.   If you think you were excited when you found that lost item you were looking for.  You should expect greater when you find Him.  He will be waiting for you. 

Find the key.  Turn it.  He will let you in! 

Alexia

It is funny how you wake up with great expectations of how the day will unfold.  You set your agenda and go!  I started my day as I do any school day.  Running around trying to grab my purse, keys, phone, laptop bag, lunch.  Do I need to sign something for a kid, is there anything else I need to do or take?  Count the kids-- from shortest to tallest or from youngest to oldest.  Are they all accounted for?  I didn't forget anyone... No.  Do I have my work badge? Yes.  Can't forget that.  Finally, I am in the car and not a moment too soon.  3 minutes.  A 3 minute difference in leaving the house can turn the day into a hectic day.  If I have to take an alternative route to the bus stop, I may miss it. But, thankfully my prayer in the shower this morning made a pathway that we had 3 minutes to spare.  Elisia, my youngest, at 3 years old began to cry when she didn't get her way.  Thankful for my prayer asking for patience was answered.  He heard me this morning.  As her cries began to modulate ( I love music) the mood in the car  immediately went from annoyance, to aggravation, to utter frustration.  I decided to lighten the mood up-- thanks to that patience prayer request I asked for-- I found myself being silly.  I made up a song in a short 5 minutes.  The kids and I called it "Elisia, Stop that Crying!"  Honestly, I forgot the words.  But, it went something like:

                    "Elisia, Stop that Crying!  Elisia, No more Whining.  My head is getting heavy and your crying makes me crazy, so you gotta stop that crying like little teeny baby."

Thankfully, she stopped.  I thought by my silliness would carry me through to a happy day.  But, in an instance as we pulled up to the bus stop, Elisia gave me a kiss and said she loved me.  I told her I loved her more, and my thoughts took me back to Alexia.  Alexia is Elisia's twin.  I often struggle on whether I talk about her in past or present tense.  She passed away almost 4 years ago from SIDs, but she lives in me.  Alexia is my angel. She is my reason for living. Today started like any other day for me, but in an unexpected turn of events, my heart became heavy.  A sense of melancholy came over the mood.  My morning Facebook post spoke for itself simply stated-- Alexia.  I miss her.  I want to see her turn 4 this year. I want her to learn her ABC's like her sister.   I look at Elisia and I can't help but wonder how would Alexia be? What would her personality be compared to her other siblings-- and especially to the sister who she entered the world with?   I wonder if Elisia's excessive crying is because, like me, she wants her here.  Alexia!

Today, while working I would wipe a few tears away, and keep on moving.  Meetings. Training. Emails. Documents to be written.  The work doesn't stop so I can wallow in my sorrow.  I know that I have to get it together before I head home to be mommy and wife.  But, I miss her.  Alexia!

I ask for strength in my hour of weakness, for when I am weak, I know He is strong.  And, for me, I think of music to feel better. Hymns, praise songs, slow, up-tempo, prayers, anthems. Whatever comes to mind.  I rely on those songs we sang at Emory (my childhood church) or the songs my grandfather would sing while he "worked" in the garage.  I hum the melodies and if I really felt the spirit, I will hum the four part harmonies. And, as my song list plays continually in my head,  I slowly feel His presence and the calm assurance that He is close by brings me peace.   Alexia!

Alexia is peace.  She is joy. She is my angel.  She has transformed me into a complete woman.  Had it not been for her,  I do not think I would know HIM the way I do now. Alexia!

Since I started this day with a song, I feel I should end this blog in similar fashion.  I'm at Peace, by Vicky Yohe.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgboHdURmIk 

 Even when your day turns from good to bad, and you have to push hard to get through, don't give up. Some days will be better than others.  But, don't give up. Jesus can give us joy that surpasses all understanding.  I am at peace because I know that With Him-- all things are possible.  I could not get through this type of sadness without my friend.

Peace Be Still

Alexia Janae McIlwain

Trump Tight

I love playing cards. I Declare War was my game as kid until my DC cousins taught me Tonk, which is a quick version of rummy. In my 20s I mastered Spades but actually before that, there was a game called Bid Whist. This is a card game for the card elite. I have been doing a little research and it appears that no one under the age of 50 really knows how to play this game. The game is played with a full deck of cards, including two jokers. There are four players forming two teams. The teams work together to win "books" to score points. The team that either reaches seven points or forces the opposing team to reach a score of negative seven will win the game. I was fortunate enough to learn this game circa 1985 by default. My aunts Virginia and Hattie and my uncle Rudolph were in need of a 4Th player.

My grandmother by this time was no longer in the mood for the competitiveness that would come from playing cards. Everyone who has ever played Spades knows what happens when you renege. Reneging is when a particular suit has led the board, and you play off that suit. If you come back to that suit, and the other team catches you, that’s 3 books you forfeit. My Nana wanted nothing to do with that drama. I never saw my grandfather play cards, and my mother could leave a card game in tears, because she was a bit sensitive.

Nevertheless, my ten year old immature fearless self, walked into a new world where only the strong survived. For as long as I can remember I used to hear the laughing and sometimes arguing amongst the married partners, if they lost. It was funny and entertaining. I was hooked! I couldn’t wait to learn to play this game. Bid Whist! Every holiday, family reunion, Sunday dinner, you name the event—they played at all of them. That night it was my turn. I got a quick tutorial; the dealer deals 12 cards to each player, and 6 in the Kitty. The kitty goes in the middle of the table. The player who wins the bid gets the Kitty. Now, I say that Spades and Bid Whist are similar, but then gets very different. With Spades—spades is the trump suit, Bid Whist, the trump can differ. If your hand has 5 clubs and you have all of the high clubs, then you would bid a 5 uptown. This means, that all the high cards no matter what suit will beat the other cards, and then your clubs will win over all other suits. Another difference is that when playing bid whist, you can go low. If you have low cards, you can bid 4 downtown; the lowest card in each suit will win. If you win a bid, you may not have to call a trump at all. As I am getting my tutorial from my two aunts and uncle, I kept hearing over and over, watch the board, watch your partner. Aunt Hattie was my partner. She was actually my great great aunt. She was my grandfather’s aunt. Aunt Hattie loved to play cards. And, she was good! This wasn’t my first time playing cards with her. She visited us at least three to four times a year when we lived Upstate and she lived in Brooklyn. When I would come home from school we would play 21 Blackjack. I learned how to add in my head playing that game with her. As the game started, I became a bit nervous. I was so worried that I would let them down. I got my 12 cards, all four Aces’, 3 Kings, a Joker, four Queens, I don’t even remember bidding, but I remember Aunt Hattie and I won the bid. I am realizing now, that we must have bid pretty high because Aunt Virginia and Uncle Rudy just wanted to bump us. When you bump that means you didn’t make the bid you said you would. Each card played, Aunt Hattie would collect the books made. By the 7Th or 8Th round, it was evident that we were winning. Uncle Rudolph began to get snippy, and frowned, and Aunt Virginia would snap right back. Aunt Hattie was grinning from ear to ear. As the last card hit the table someone yelled out she just ran a BOSTON. The crowd just went wild. I guess I forgot to mention that this game of paramount proportions drew a crowd. Everyone in the house gathered around that dining room table, at my grandparents’ house, on Lang Road, to witness my first game. It was history in the making. People where laughing and shouting, “Shani ran a Boston!” I started grinning and laughing too. I didn’t know what a Boston was, but I knew it was good. I was so excited I wanted to play again. What is a Boston? I looked over to my mother, and asked she was laughing and joking too. A Boston meant that we had won all 13 books (we got 1 book from that Kitty I mentioned earlier) The game was over. My aunt said I was a natural, I was trump tight. My uncle asked me “How did you run that Boston?” I replied, I just played the hand I was dealt.

At 10 years old I was saying something so profound. We use that saying today when things don’t always go as planned in life. “Oh, I was just playing the hand life dealt me”. I was trump tight that night. My cards won every book. Everything just fell into pieces. I really didn’t do anything. I followed the rules that were given with ease and just played each card and it all worked in my favor.

We have a trump card that we sometimes use in emergency only situations. Jesus. Our book of instructions we have online, in various languages, in many translations, at the dollar tree, or probably sitting in eyesight of where you are right now reading this, but when was the last time you picked it up. The Holy Bible. It tells us the instructions on how to live an abundant life, a life free of fear, free of doubt, free of everything that keeps us in bondage. But, why don’t follow it? We pick it up at our leisure, and our convenience. We keep going through life just accepting that this is just the hand we are dealt, but NO! You can have a life that is filled “Bostons!” You can win! God told Joshua he will give him the recipe for good success. Not just success, but good success. Thankfully when we renege on the things we should be doing, God’s grace gives us another opportunity to get it right. Praise God that when we renege His mercy endures forever and ever.

All things work for good, who are good and are called according to His purpose. If you stay obedient to the plan that God has for you, it will all work out. Your life is in God’s hands, He doesn’t make mistakes. He has dealt the cards, but he doesn’t want to make you pick them up. I am so grateful that when I get bumped from time to time I have a Trump Card in HIM who will always WIN. Matthew 19:26 tells us that with God all things are possible. You can have the best partner ever—if you ask!

When you are faced with any and all situations, good or bad, happy or sad, difficult or easy, remember that you are not in this world alone. Put your trust in Him like you do your partner in Spades, or bridge, or pinochle, or even my favorite -- Bid Whist! With Jesus you will always be TRUMP TIGHT!

Who or what is your Ace card?

A Legacy of Love

Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!  That's really the only way to describe my unintentional seclusion from family over the past 7 years.  Honestly, I have tried to justify it by calling it grieve.  It is my way of dealing with family death.  I am an only child who is the product of an only child.  Only children tend to be very sociable and have lots of friends.  Something my mother was and had, and many of the only children I know.  We take friendship very, very seriously and have decade long friendships.  Our friends typically turn into family. The myth that only children are spoiled is a bit overrated in my opinion.  Yes, I did not like to lose at board games, and I would get territorial of things if a sleep over lasted 1 or 2 days too long, but for the most part I grow out of the negatives of being an only child. 

My grandfather's youngest and last sibling living, passed away last week.  Yesterday we celebrated her 88 year life.  It was awesome.  Funerals in my family turn into a celebration-- especially if you have lived 88 years.  Aunt Minnie loved her family.  There was never a doubt of her love for you if you had the pleasure of knowing her.  She had a funny, corky kind of way about her.  She didn't let too many things bother her, and if she was bothered she never showed it.  I have this secret fascination with reading obituaries.  Even by knowing her all my life, when I read about her life yesterday I learned that Aunt Minnie was an Usher for her beloved Janes United Methodist Church.  She had been on the Usher board for many years and she took her service seriously.  As people came up to share their reflections, they repeated similar stories about her hospitality, and that of the rest of the Kinard Family.  Janes was a family staple.  All the Kinards in Brooklyn went to Janes.  Well, I can't speak for all, but all of my grandfather's siblings did.  They sang on the choir, just as I do today. My two older children are ushers in our church now.  We come from a list of servants.

I was introduced throughout the day in three ways. either,  Raymond Kinard's granddaughter, Liz Kinard's granddaughter,  or  you know Patsy's daughter, Shani.  I felt pride. I felt adoration for the lineage I come from. People embraced me not for the works I have done, or for the name I have made for myself, because honestly I have done nothing.  But, those before me have laid a foundation that for the last 7 years I have been too selfish to continue.  Every time I would go to a family function, I am reminded that everyone in my household as a child is gone.  I would spend the day in tears off and on.  I would enjoy myself, but I would have a sense of melancholy that it would take weeks to get back to my old self.  It is interesting how I was able to justify it and move on without a second thought. 

Over the last 7 years that Aunt Minnie lived in a nursing home, I would make several day trips a year to visit.  Along the way, my sister-in-law would come with me. The visits weren't as frequent as the should have been.  If I have one regret is that I didn't make an effort to see her more often.  She would share stories of my grandparents, mom, and other family.  Today I now appreciate those stories more than I did, when I heard them for the first time.  She was teaching me about legacy.  She was teaching me about love. She knew everyone by name.   After the funeral when we gathered in the small fellowship hall to eat, I made my way around a few tables to say "Hi", and cousins near and dear greeted me with open arms.  They asked about the kids, and said how happy they were to see me.  And, then my AH HA moment.  My cousin closer to me in age, than the others, said, "where you been?"

Where have I been?  My answer was-- under a rock, but it's time I come out.  He said yes! because we miss you.  I miss them too.  As much as I would like to stay in my own secluded world, I have to realize that my children will suffer from my selfishness.  My family has a rich legacy that needs to be taught to them.  They need to learn to appreciate family reunions and gatherings.  They need to get the same childhood that I did.  We all go through our issues as family, but love will always win.  Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

Even as I continue to grieve for my losses, I am comforted by the love I feel when I am in the presence of family.  I am going to stop making excuses for things. I am going to come out from under my rock and stop hiding.

What are you hiding from?

~~~~Rest in Peace  Minnie Inez Upshaw~~ 

When the fire goes out

I believe I was around 9 or 10 when I helped build my first campfire.  I loved going to Camp Epworth every summer and learning new and exciting things.  I particularly loved the evenings in the wilderness of God's awesome creation, finding the kindle to began a fire that would keep us warm as we shared our experiences of the day and sing songs.  Back then I probably didn't appreciate being in that space as I do now.  It is funny how over time, you realize the benefit of certain things.  From the first spark of the flame it brings you in and you want to feel the warmth over and over. The fire grows by adding more kindling with larger twigs and fallen branches.  It reached its strength because we kept adding to the fire, after awhile when it became close to our bedtime, the camp counselors would tell us to stop adding wood. Slowly the fire would smolder and burn out.  

Doesn't this happen to us when we stop adding kindling in our lives.  It can be in our relationships, at our jobs, with our friends, when we stop adding value to things they burn out.  If we don't put gas in the car, it won't drive. If we don't get that oil change as needed, the engine will lock.  We have to continue to add the kindling to our fire. 

Since my first blog, (this is only my second thus far) my husband immediately thought I wouldn't acknowledge that he has played a significant part in helping me to write. I get upset because I can't go to him to proofread because he isn't much of a reader. And, then I am too stubborn to just read it aloud, so we have this tug a war of who is going to make the sacrifice of coming out of a personal comfort zone. Most times neither of us will, so we go to our separate corners, he feeling like I don't want his help, and me feeling like he doesn't  want to help.  Even after 11 years together,  I can't understand why we do some of the things we do.  Crazy!  But, I sit here and think about just how much he helps me, and while we have our issues, some big, some small, our mess turns into a message for others.  And, if that is God's will for us to go through these tests for the betterment of others, then I can just rest assured that as we help others, we will in turn help ourselves.  Today's moment comes from me asking Michael where is his fire.  Over the years, it has lost its spark. When we met he was in the middle of planning a community day for the children in his neighborhood. That same year he started a toy drive at his job, and that Christmas we went to a family homeless shelter dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus and delivered the toys to the kids at the shelter.  I had hoped that we started a tradition but no-- the fire had burned out!  I asked him where was that man whose vision I saw as something I wanted to be a part of.  And, he said, "well, things just happen."  I began to realize that I too, must reflect on my part in smoldering out the fire.  I, too, have not done anything.

So now what?  Where does that leave us?  Well, I am realizing that when the fire goes out, you have to have someone or something to light a spark in you.  Love will do that!  I realize that when you love someone or something, there is something within us that will spark a reaction.  You have to feed love.  You have to be ready for love to receive it, and to appreciate it.  When you love something the way God wants you to, you don't want to disappoint him.

Hal Hopson wrote a hymn many years ago, titled the Gift of Love, the lyrics come to my mind today as I reflect on how God's love is the spark of my life. He writes, " Though I may speak with bravest fire, And have the gift to all inspire, And have not love, my words are vain, As sounding brass, and hopeless gain"

I love my husband, and I don't want his fire to stay out.  I have to spark it with love, so that he can find his desires again.  It may not be playing Santa, but whatever the future holds for him, with God's love and mine I am assured that the flame will burn bright. 

Don't let your fire burn out for Him. Add your kindling-- through praise and worship!   Cultivate-- study the word!  Thank him daily for his presence in your life.  Add, Cultivate, Thank!  ACT! When your fire burns out ACT to get your spark back!


Building His Kingdom 1 blog at a time

I Wish..

I have always wanted to write, and considered myself a writer.  Being an only child, I think I had a great expectation to be as creative as possible in an effort to not become so bored.  After my first marriage ended, I decided to take writing seriously, and I set out to start my first novel.  I was on fire!  I was ready, set, go!  I came up with an awesome working title, "Delusions of Grandeur". I even had my four best girlfriends to serve as proof readers.  Then, it all came to an abrupt halt! I can't really explain why.  But, I just stopped.  I blamed creative writers block and then the old adage-- Life Happened --line.  But, honestly, I was scared and a tad bit lazy.  It is a big commitment to write a novel. And even bigger commitment for it to be good.  Did I fear that my words would not captivate the reader somehow? Who knows.  What I do know now is those words nearly 10 year ago had no meaning.  I wasn't using my gift in the manner that God called me to do. Not only do I consider myself a writer, but I want to inspire.  I want to teach.  I want people to gain insight from my words.  So for the last ten years He, the ultimate Teacher, has been cultivating and preparing me for this opportunity.  I can not wait to share where this journey has taken me and where it will take me. 

Today, I begin my first blog with a matured and humbled spirit.  I am on fire like I was with Delusions, but what makes it different is that I am in a new place of joy, peace, content in all things.  It is an unexplainable feeling that I have, and just grateful that I have come to this place now! 

I was home from work yesterday and my husband became frustrated with me because I was working.  I will admit that I am a work alcoholic.  I do have a tendency to overload myself, (something I will talk about in future blogs) and instead of getting defensive, as many of us tend to do with our spouses,  I asked him if he prays for me.  He hesitated, and then said, "Well, its not so much of a prayer, but rather, I wish you would change".  I am certain that many wives reading this post, are probably mad at my husband right now, but I am not!  Here is why?  The Holy Spirit gave me the confirmation that it is time to teach!  And, what better place to start than in my own home. I don't even know if my husband will ever read this blog, but I know that through my experience someone will have a better insight to whatever strongholds they have in their life.  The words that stood out most to me was  "I WISH".  Don't we all wish for things?  I wish I could have gotten that promotion,  or I wish I didn't eat all that cake,  or I wish I had enough money to pay my bills.  I literally can go on and on about the things we wish for but, you get the point.  We go about our every day lives wishing for things, rather than praying for them.  We want to do everything ourselves, instead of surrendering to the Almighty Father.  Why do we consistently think we can take on this life using our own strength?  It is impossible.  Matthew 19:26 tells us "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

One of the things I lacked when I started my novel back then is a constant connection to God. I admit that I only reached out to God, when I was in trouble. He was always faithful to me, and would always see me out of my problems, but then I would go about life, like it was all about me.  And, then I would get blocked. That writers block I had, could have been removed if I had just asked, but I didn't.  That fear of failure, could have been removed if I had just read His word, but I didn't.

The next time you want to 'wish' something will change in your life, just change your wish to a prayer.  It doesnt have to be a long, eloquent prayer. God knows all about you.  Just be yourself.  Say it aloud or write it down. But, open up the dialogue.  He will reveal himself to you.  Anything you need, have faith indeed.  Just Ask!  You don't have to wish anymore.


Building His Kingdom 1 blog at a time!