Alexia

It is funny how you wake up with great expectations of how the day will unfold.  You set your agenda and go!  I started my day as I do any school day.  Running around trying to grab my purse, keys, phone, laptop bag, lunch.  Do I need to sign something for a kid, is there anything else I need to do or take?  Count the kids-- from shortest to tallest or from youngest to oldest.  Are they all accounted for?  I didn't forget anyone... No.  Do I have my work badge? Yes.  Can't forget that.  Finally, I am in the car and not a moment too soon.  3 minutes.  A 3 minute difference in leaving the house can turn the day into a hectic day.  If I have to take an alternative route to the bus stop, I may miss it. But, thankfully my prayer in the shower this morning made a pathway that we had 3 minutes to spare.  Elisia, my youngest, at 3 years old began to cry when she didn't get her way.  Thankful for my prayer asking for patience was answered.  He heard me this morning.  As her cries began to modulate ( I love music) the mood in the car  immediately went from annoyance, to aggravation, to utter frustration.  I decided to lighten the mood up-- thanks to that patience prayer request I asked for-- I found myself being silly.  I made up a song in a short 5 minutes.  The kids and I called it "Elisia, Stop that Crying!"  Honestly, I forgot the words.  But, it went something like:

                    "Elisia, Stop that Crying!  Elisia, No more Whining.  My head is getting heavy and your crying makes me crazy, so you gotta stop that crying like little teeny baby."

Thankfully, she stopped.  I thought by my silliness would carry me through to a happy day.  But, in an instance as we pulled up to the bus stop, Elisia gave me a kiss and said she loved me.  I told her I loved her more, and my thoughts took me back to Alexia.  Alexia is Elisia's twin.  I often struggle on whether I talk about her in past or present tense.  She passed away almost 4 years ago from SIDs, but she lives in me.  Alexia is my angel. She is my reason for living. Today started like any other day for me, but in an unexpected turn of events, my heart became heavy.  A sense of melancholy came over the mood.  My morning Facebook post spoke for itself simply stated-- Alexia.  I miss her.  I want to see her turn 4 this year. I want her to learn her ABC's like her sister.   I look at Elisia and I can't help but wonder how would Alexia be? What would her personality be compared to her other siblings-- and especially to the sister who she entered the world with?   I wonder if Elisia's excessive crying is because, like me, she wants her here.  Alexia!

Today, while working I would wipe a few tears away, and keep on moving.  Meetings. Training. Emails. Documents to be written.  The work doesn't stop so I can wallow in my sorrow.  I know that I have to get it together before I head home to be mommy and wife.  But, I miss her.  Alexia!

I ask for strength in my hour of weakness, for when I am weak, I know He is strong.  And, for me, I think of music to feel better. Hymns, praise songs, slow, up-tempo, prayers, anthems. Whatever comes to mind.  I rely on those songs we sang at Emory (my childhood church) or the songs my grandfather would sing while he "worked" in the garage.  I hum the melodies and if I really felt the spirit, I will hum the four part harmonies. And, as my song list plays continually in my head,  I slowly feel His presence and the calm assurance that He is close by brings me peace.   Alexia!

Alexia is peace.  She is joy. She is my angel.  She has transformed me into a complete woman.  Had it not been for her,  I do not think I would know HIM the way I do now. Alexia!

Since I started this day with a song, I feel I should end this blog in similar fashion.  I'm at Peace, by Vicky Yohe.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgboHdURmIk 

 Even when your day turns from good to bad, and you have to push hard to get through, don't give up. Some days will be better than others.  But, don't give up. Jesus can give us joy that surpasses all understanding.  I am at peace because I know that With Him-- all things are possible.  I could not get through this type of sadness without my friend.

Peace Be Still

Alexia Janae McIlwain